Pain
by Dessa
Summary: [songfic] Hisoka muses over his feelings or lack thereof.


Pain 

Disclaimer: I don't own Yami no Matsuei, and I don't own the song "Pain," either. So don't hurt me.

Author's Notes: I don't like songfics… yet I still get ideas for them anyway. shrugs I don't like yaoi either… and I suppose you might consider this borderline shounen ai, so… Enjoy!

Author's Notes 2: Thanks to the bakazaru for beta-reading this. Even if she didn't remember that she'd heard the song before…

Spoilers: Kyoto arc. Leans more toward anime just 'cuz I remember the anime better than sitting with Japanese-language manga and translations and going back and forth.

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_First we touch, then we hurt each other_

When I woke up, there was pain. But that was nothing new, of course. I'm hard pressed to remember a time when there wasn't pain. Of course, it **was** different this time. The pain wasn't intentional. I was lying in the infirmary, and my partner, Tsuzuki, was gripping my hand tightly.

_Then we tear our hearts apart_

Tsuzuki noticed that I was awake, and pulled his hand back. He knew that he shouldn't have been making skin contact with me, but he's always so worried, and wanting to touch me, to give a caring gesture. I've been through so much, and, even now, with training, the slightest touch can cause me so much pain.

_We are too close_

_And I can feel the pain_

_Fill my empty heart_

I glanced at Tsuzuki, who had gotten up to check the hallways. I guess he was looking for Watari-san, to let him know that I was awake. His shields were up tightly, but even so, when he was next to me, I could still feel his concern for me. Across the room, I felt empty. Not for the first time since my empathic powers had manifested themselves did I wonder if I had the ability to feel anything myself.

_Is this pain too much for me_

_Can I stay the same?_

When I had first met Tsuzuki, I couldn't believe how open he was. He practically wore his heart on his sleeve, and it hurt just to be around him. Yet I still remained as his partner… True, I've been able to see past the mask he wears, feigning innocence and happiness, but… being around him has changed me as well.

_When this pain consume my heart_

_Will I be able to hold on to my soul_

Tsuzuki claims that I should be more open. He says that if I constantly block myself off from everyone, it'll just hurt me more. But… how do you open yourself up without letting others in? The more I let others in, the more I lose my hold on myself.

_Kindness is something I don't want or need_

I had survived for sixteen years by myself, what did I need anyone now? No, scratch that. I survived thirteen years by myself. I died that night under the sakura, it just took my body three years to realize it. Nonetheless, my parents were the only ones in my life who had shown kindness to me, and it only served to hurt me in the long run.

_The sunshine would just dissolve me into light_

And what is with that stupid, beaming smile of his? Does he think he can light up all the darkness within me with it? I spent too long in the dark to be able to stand the light anymore. In the dark, you can't see what's around you. You can't see yourself. You don't have to look at what you've become.

_Give me a pain as pleasing as your sigh_

_So I can feel you all the day and night_

Yet, somehow… that idiot does seem to make me feel better. At times, at least. And… having him near me **does** lessen the nightmares.

_And keep me from fading away_

I just… I don't want to disappear.

_Even when_

_We behold each other_

_Somehow our eyes do not meet_

I remember again when we first had become partners. I couldn't stand to be around him, and I'm sure he couldn't stand me. He even admitted as much, after the deal with Muraki in Nagasaki (or, at least, that's what he **would** have admitted, had we not gone through what we did).

_And when you hold me_

_In your strong embrace_

_Still I feel no heat_

And then, after I… I… after I killed Tsubaki-hime… He had held me, let me cry into his arms… But I wouldn't let him in… I didn't want him to know how much of a monster I felt like.

_But it gives me such delight_

_To feel you closer now_

But when… when I almost lost him, I gave up. I gave up on pushing him away. What right did I have, after all, when I had begged him to stay, for me? And he **has** gotten better at shielding from me.

_I know I am true to myself_

_Though it cuts deep into my heart somehow_

But still… even when I allow myself the amenity of creeping to his apartment late at night, it hurts. I'm reminded that he's still here because I was selfish. And sometimes… I creep back to my apartment without knocking, because I don't want him to see me crying over my guilt.

_Kindness is something I don't want or need_

_The sunshine would just dissolve me into light_

I know he's not empathic, and doesn't have mental abilities like mine, but somehow… I think he knows when I go over there, and leave again. Because the next day, he's always trying to force more sweets onto me, or help me more than usual. That stupid, beaming smile of his is always there, threatening to melt my icy shell.

_Give me a pain as pleasing as your sigh_

_So I can feel you all the day and night_

I call him "baka" at those times, like the idiot he is. And he'll mope, or go chibi on me, or look at me with those ridiculous puppy eyes of his… And let me know that he cares for me.

_And keep me from fading away_

That whatever happens, he'll be there with me, he'll stay with me, and make sure that I stay with him.

Kindness is something I don't want or need 

_The sunshine would just dissolve me into night_

He turns back to me, Watari-san following him, and 003-chan fluttering over their heads to land on my shoulder. Watari-san gives me a check-up, and tells me I can go, with the usual warning about taking care of myself. Tsuzuki leads me out of the infirmary, waving to Watari-san that he'll take care of me, and 003-chan returns to her master. It's dark outside, as he leads me home, but with him next to me, I have enough light to see by.

_Give me a pain as pleasing as your sigh_

_So I can feel you all the day and night_

I try my hardest not to wince, as he happily babbles to me about all the people who stopped by to see me while I was unconscious. Even though he's put up his strongest shields, his emotions still leak through. But… it's not such a bad thing, anymore. Through the pain, I can still feel his happiness. His concern for me, his need to take care of me. And I sorta like that (not that I'd ever tell **him** that). It reminds me that I'm not alone anymore, and that I have someone who will protect me, forever.

_And keep me from fading away_

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Comments, constructive criticism, the usual. No flames, though… that's Suzaku and Touda's departments.


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